Finding Your Village

Last night around 9p.m., I got a Facebook message from a dear mama friend. It was a group message asking if anyone in our “mama group” had a Zippadee Zip swaddle suit she could try. It was an S.O.S. – her son wasn’t sleeping well and consequently, neither was she. The response was astounding. Within minutes, fellow mamas were responding with suggestions for getting baby to sleep, sending prayers, and the sought after swaddle suit was hand delivered to her door less than 30 minutes after she asked. This is my village and man am I thankful for it.

I remember after Ellie was born – the grandparents had gone home and my husband had gone back to work and I was home with this tiny human who I had waited months {or really, years} to meet. Everything I had read told me that these should be the best days of my life, and yet the hours and days seemed to drag on and rather than feeling surrounded and fulfilled, I felt very lonely and isolated. Babies are incredible blessings, but they’re also incredibly needy and I hate to say it, but they’re really boring. A human can only withstand so many hours watching a child bat at a toy under a play mat. I began looking forward to going to the grocery store, just because it meant I would be around other adults. I needed friends. I needed social interaction. I needed someone to tell me that they felt these things too and that I wasn’t alone.

And so when Ellie was just 4 months old, I started taking her to our local library’s story time. I felt a little silly the first few times that we went. Most of the mamas had older kids who sang the songs and ate snacks while the librarian read. Ellie couldn’t even sit unassisted yet let alone eat a goldfish cracker. And yet it felt good to be out in public and among other mamas. One day, another mama came over and said she had seen me at other story times and started to ask about Ellie. It turned out that she had a little girl around the same age as well and she asked for my contact information. It felt like college days when the cute guy at the bar asked for your number. I went home giddy calling my husband to tell him that the most incredible thing happened at the library – I made a mom friend! He, of course, thought I was nuts, but it felt great. I had put myself out there. I tried something new. And I met someone. It’s how all the great love stories happen, right? In this case, I’m certainly not talking about romantic love, but it’s through experiences like this, where I took a risk, tried something new, that I have managed to create the most incredible mama village, and man is it full of love and support.

As an introvert, I’m not great at putting myself out there. Like most people, I hate venturing outside of my comfortable bubble. And yet when I think about it, the most valued friendships and experiences of my life have been born from moments when I took a risk, popped the bubble, and said yes to something new. And so in the name of social interaction, I began putting my neck out there and trying to meet other mamas. Making friends as an adult is actually really challenging. Long gone are the days of grade school and college when your friends didn’t have full time jobs or husbands or kids or dinner to get on the table.  If you’re an introvert like me {or even if you’re not}, walking into a new place where you know no one can be really intimidating. One awesome thing about babies though? They make great “wing men.” I found that I felt less nervous when I brought Ellie with me. Even if no one talked to me, I could still play and interact with her and no one would think I was out of place. I began taking her to the park regularly to swing, to the library for story time, and even joined a mom’s group in my community and began attending field trips and play groups. I did all of these things for the benefit of Ellie, but if we’re really being honest, more than anything, I did them for my own well being.

And what I found was so much more than I ever could have imagined.

I have found a village. A village of women who say things like “If you go into labor in the middle of the night, and you need someone to come stay with Ellie, just call me. It doesn’t matter what time it is.” And they’re not just saying that. They actually mean it. Women who ask how things are going with the new baby and you don’t have to say, “great!” Women who tell you to bring your oldest to their house for the afternoon so you can take a nap and who send you home with dinner when you pick them up. Women who you can literally ask anything – how to get rid of hemorrhoids, does this latch look good? when did you and your husband start having sex regularly again? Does my baby’s poop look normal to you?

Amazing, inspiring women. And the most beautiful part? We all mama a little differently, but none of us judges the others for how they mama. You’d think that when you combine so many different ideas about how best to parent that you’d have competition or judgement, but it’s really become more of an idea bank for “this isn’t working for us, I wonder if anyone else has any better ideas.” As a mama, it feels like an incredible blessing to have a wealth of supportive and loving women willing to share anything to help one another. We’re all doing the best we can.

Finding your village is a lot like the early days of dating. It’s a little awkward sometimes, you’re always wondering if the other person likes you as much as you like them, and you’re not sure how long you should wait to call for another “date.” But it’s worth it. Put yourself out there. Say hi to the woman pushing her son in the swing next to yours. Join a mama’s Bible study. Ask your co-worker if she wants to get coffee and chat about the hilarity of motherhood. Take a prenatal yoga class. And when you see that timid, fresh new mama standing on the edge of the room who clearly hasn’t had any social interaction in weeks, go ask if you can buy her a cup of coffee.

Because life is better lived in circles.