Learning how to say “No”

I’m going to be honest and upfront with you. I have a major case of F.O.M.O. {Fear of missing out}. I have always been this way, in fact, it’s probably the one quality that my husband appreciates the least about me. See, I’m married to someone with a major case of L.J.S.N.A.S.H. {Let’s just say no and stay home}. While I’m sitting on the couch most Saturday mornings, sipping coffee and trying to figure out how I can squeeze coffee in with my girlfriend on our way to my sister’s house, and what time we need to leave to make it to our friend’s anniversary party that evening, my husband is sitting on the couch concocting ways that we can get out of all of it and not actually have to put real pants on that day. After six years of marriage, we finally found a good rhythm that seemed to create a balance between my “I want to do everything “and his “I want to do nothing”…..then we had a baby.

Babies change everything. Everyone tells you that they do. And you believe them, but you don’t really stop and think about what that will actually look like on a Saturday night. I was not prepared for the impact this tiny human was going to have on my social life. I really think that before Ellie, I pictured myself sitting at a party with my pristine little one sitting politely on my lap while I sipped wine and laughed with friends. Ha. You know what 11 month olds hate? Sitting politely on their mom’s lap. You know what they love? Crawling inside of your friend’s fireplace or scaling her bookcase. Reality almost never looks like what you hoped it would when you have a baby.

We took Ellie to her first party when she was about 6 weeks old. She slept in her daddy’s arms for most of the party and when she was awake, she was the hit of the party. Sitting on the couch, feeding her while snacking on appetizers and talking to girlfriends, I remember thinking, “This is great. We’re totally doing it. We had a baby, but it didn’t really change anything.”  6 week olds make great accessories at parties and other social outings. They don’t weigh much, they sleep pretty much anywhere, and as long as milk is within reach, they don’t really care where they are or what time it is. 11 month olds are a whole different story. Ellie knows within about 10 minutes when it is 8:00. That’s when she likes to be in her snuggle suit, rocking in her chair, paci in mouth, and then sleeping in her bed. To keep her on schedule, I find myself needing to say “no” a lot more these days {which is a huge adjustment for me}.

I will never fully lose my F.O.M.O., but when I became a mama, something inside of me physically changed. My priorities shifted. Someone else’s needs suddenly trumped my own. Am I saying that I’m the perfect mama who never feels the pangs of disappointment when she has to cancel plans because the baby is sick? Hell no. But this new season in my life has changed a few things, including the need to use the word “no” more often. Here’s what I know to be true:

1. Saying “no” to something always means saying “yes” to something else. In this case, it’s saying “yes” to my little girl. It seems obvious, but it’s still important to remember that your time is your little one’s most valuable possession.
2. Because I can’t say “yes” to everything anymore, it’s made me have to really think about what’s really important, or more importantly WHO’S important. Time is valuable. If I say “yes,” it’s because you breathe joy into my life.
3. Friendships are going to change when you have a baby. People you used to see every week might become people you see once a month. It doesn’t mean you love them any less; it just means that your life is different now, and that’s okay.
4. This is a season. Babies need their parents in what can sometimes feel like an all-consuming way. It won’t always be that way.
5. You will treasure and appreciate moments when you are able to say “yes” in a way you may not have before.

After some time, you might be surprised to find that your F.O.M.O has suddenly turned into F.O.M.Y.B. {Fear of Missing Your Baby}. While I certainly value every sweet morsel of adult time that I get these days, there’s also this fierce physical longing for my little one when I’m away from her for any significant period of time. Last Saturday night looked a lot different than a Saturday night a few years ago. My husband and I sat in the floor of our daughter’s room while she reveled in the discovery of learning how to roll a ball back and forth. She squealed in delight. We read a few stories and all were in bed asleep by 9.

{That’s worth the “no.”}

The Hardest Decision I’ve Ever Made {leading with trust instead of fear}

“When are you going to have a baby?” It’s everyone’s favorite question to ask as soon as you make it to the other end of the aisle. “Not yet,” or “Maybe in a few years,” we’d politely reply with gritted teeth and a smile. Truthfully?  There’s no right or wrong when it comes to timing your family, but there were a few things that were important to my husband and I to accomplish pre-diapers and nursery rhymes. Namely:

1. Travel.
2. Sleep.
3. Buy a house and be financially stable.
4. Know who we were as husband and wife before we had to navigate roles as mom and dad.
5. Go to grad school.

My dad got his graduate degree when my sister and I were in middle school (mad respect), but I remember vividly the long hours he would spend behind closed doors studying and writing papers. The idea of trying to work on a graduate degree with a baby in the house seemed daunting, and so three years ago, I quit my job, applied for an assistantship and went back to school. It was finally time to check off the last box of “to-do’s” before baby. What I did not expect was to {literally} waddle across the stage in my cap and gown ten days postpartum. You don’t have to say it. We timed that {almost} perfectly.

Want to know the bomb thing about graduating ten days after you have a baby? You’re in the perfect scenario for making a decision about what’s next. The ball is literally in your court. You can start applying for jobs. You can put the application down and take a 4 hour nap with baby instead. You can decide that you were just kidding and you’d rather play Play Doh in yoga pants everyday than sit in meetings in heels. Then you’re elbow deep in baby poop and you haven’t had an adult conversation in 7 hours and you’re trying to figure out how making your own baby food might be a transferrable skill you can add to your resume.

For me, ideal quickly turned into a nightmare as trusted and respected family and friends began to share their own thoughts and opinions about what I should do next. It was coming from all sides, often from people I did not expect to feel so passionately about my decision. At a party, standing in line for food, women would tell me about how they never regretted staying home for the first few years with their children and that those were years I would never get back. Others called me, furiously urging that as a recent graduate I was in an ideal position to get a great job in my field and that if I took time off, I was making myself less marketable. And so, I began to apply. Not because I had decided working was the best option, but because I wanted to have options. Some days, I willed the phone to ring and for someone to ask to set up an interview. Other days, I would look at my little girl’s sweet smile and I would pray that no one would call. And then, when she was about three months old, the phone rang.

As I stood in my closet pulling on my hose and squeezing my postpartum body into a pencil skirt, I felt like I was playing dress up. It did not feel real. I drove to the interview, telling myself that I was only going to learn more about the opportunity. I nailed the interview and I walked out feeling high. It felt great to be back among other professionals in my field talking about my passion for students. When I walked through the door of my house, I unbuttoned my blouse and began to nurse Ellie. As she drifted off to sleep in the crook of my arm, I began to weep. By the end of the night, Brian and I were running numbers to see if we could make ends meet if I stayed home. I have never felt so conflicted.

At this pivotal turning point in my own life, my gut was telling me that I needed to talk to my grad school mentor. What she said to me was simple, but exactly what I needed to hear. “Why are you making this decision out of a place of fear?” She was right. I was afraid of what might happen if I took time away from my profession and I was afraid of what might happen if I missed the first time my child crawled or babbled “mama.” Once I was able to acknowledge what was really going on, I finally felt free to make the right decision for my family.

The truth of the matter is that the decision to go back to work or not go back to work {and let’s make something clear, being a stay at home mom is absolutely work} after having a baby is never simple. Even my friends who are established in their careers and love their work have told me, weeping behind closed doors, that they question themselves everyday. I have also lived the daily challenges of moms who stay at home. It’s not all giggles over swinging at the park or coffee with friends while kids play quietly together. The daily routine of naps, feedings, and meltdowns will lead any mom to check the clock every five minutes willing it to be time for her husband to come home just so she can pee alone.

In the end, I led with trust and finally found a way to tune out all the noise to figure out what my own heart was telling me. I had an incredibly lucky opportunity to work part-time in the office where I worked as a graduate student. It is a short-term role, but it has afforded me the opportunity to figure out how I feel about being a professional and a mama before committing to something full-time. It was hard to get there, but a lot of the stress began to melt away when I began leading with trust rather than leading with fear.

In the end, here’s what I know:

1. The decision to go back to work or to stay at home is riddled with guilt, shame, and fear. I haven’t met a mama yet who doesn’t question her decision all the time.
2. There’s so much power in circles of mamas who are having honest conversations with one another. Talk to other mamas about why they made the decision that they did. And if you’re asked, lead with honesty.
3. Know that what is right for one person is not always right for another. Telling another mama that she will regret a decision is not helpful, it’s destructive.
4. Once a decision is made, support it, even if you don’t agree with it. This decision often does not begin from a place of confidence.
5. Some women have a choice. Others do not. That does not make anything any easier. Offer support wherever you can.

Here’s to leading from a place of trust and not from a place of fear and knowing that no matter what, you’re not alone.