Teach your baby how to fall asleep on his/her own. This was some of the only advice that my sister gave me before we had Ellie. She’s the mother of four small children, so bedtime is no simple feat in her house. I figured she must know what she’s talking about, so I’ve always tried to be very intentional about laying Ellie down awake whenever I can. Sleep is the golden ticket in the early days, so laying a baby down awake can sort of feel like planting a grenade in your own home and then just waiting for the explosion. But, somehow, she got used to it and let me tell you, it takes all the stress out of naptime and bedtime. We have an established routine – we brush our teeth, read three books, and talk to Jesus – then I tell her I love her and I put her in her bed. Most nights, she just waves happily to me from her crib. She doesn’t cry and we never hear from her again until morning. I know it took some work and some perseverance on our part, but I feel like we are reaping the benefits now. I know that a lot of mamas love to rock their babies to sleep, and I’d never ever tell them they’re wrong, but man I love that my kid puts herself to sleep.
If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. I spent so much time during the first year of Ellie’s life worrying. Am I doing everything right? Am I making the best choices for her? The truth is that almost everything that I worried about just didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how long I kept her in a swaddle or if I introduced a pacifier before our nursing relationship was established. It didn’t matter that she didn’t sleep in a crib until she was 10 months old or that she spent maybe 20 minutes total doing “tummy time.” I’m not saying that the decisions that we make as parents aren’t important, but if you take a step back and really look at the source of all your stress and worry, it might come down to this simple statement: if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. Is your baby safe? Is what you’re doing working? If you can answer yes to both of these questions, then stop worrying so much about what the “experts” or the critics say and do what works for you and your kid.
Open snacks at the grocery store. I don’t know about your toddler, but mine could exist on snacks alone. She also hates being contained, which sometimes makes getting her to agree to sit in the front of the grocery cart a challenge. She’s not at all afraid to make a scene in public in the name of freedom and independence. And I’m not at all afraid to bribe my child into sitting in the cart. Our first stop at the store is either to the lunch meat counter, bakery, or goldfish aisle and as soon as snacks are secured, so is Ellie. It’s beautiful. Sometimes I snack a little too. Everyone wins.
Don’t worry when your kid acts his/her age in public. Babies cry. Toddlers fall on the floor because they didn’t want to put their shoes on. Three year olds scream to get their parent’s attention. As parents, we’re hyper aware of our own children and their behavior. And so we rush our babies out of church as soon as they begin to stir and we hover over our children at the playground to make sure they’re sharing and not throwing sand. It’s easy to get embarrassed by your children’s attention-seeking behavior, but the truth is that we notice and care a lot more about how our children act than others. My husband is so much better at this than I am – he reminds me to leave her alone at the playground and that it’s okay for her to act two. And he’s right. We have to make sure that our expectations for our children are realistic and that our own insecurities don’t get in the way of our children being able to learn and act their age. So, your toddler insists that she use her hands to eat her mac and cheese at the restaurant. Let it go and let her be two.
Sometimes it’s okay to ignore the rules. The “experts” have something to say about every decision you’ll ever make for your child – what you feed them, their cartoon exposure, where they sleep, when they go to school, what time they go to bed….it goes on and on. What the so-called experts don’t have to do is actually live with your child. They don’t have to fight with them as they pick everything green out of their dinner or when the only thing that will remove them from your leg while you try to make dinner is a bowl full of Teddy Grahams and an hour of Mickey Mouse. I’m so tired of feeling guilty for accommodating my decisions for my child to get through my day. So, I choose to give myself grace and remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn’t matter if we break “the rules” sometimes.
Make mom friends. This is not to say that when you have children you shouldn’t still prioritize and make time for your friends who don’t have kids, but there is so much value to be found in the fellowship and friendship of other mamas. There’s a flexibility and common understanding that can make canceling or changing plans at the last minute feel a little less guilt-ridden. There’s also a common understanding that children are {with little exception} always invited and included without needing to ask permission. I cannot count the number of times that I have needed last minute care for Ellie and one of my mama friends has stepped in, without any hesitation to help out. In the last two years, I’ve learned that taking your child to story time or the park is just as much about making mom friends and having some adult interaction as it is entertaining your children. But perhaps most importantly, I learn and grow as a mama by sharing the joys and challenges of raising children with other mamas who assure me that I’m not crazy and that we are all doing the best we can.
Don’t give your child punishments that really just punish you. The other night, I told Ellie that if she didn’t take 3 bites of dinner, she could not go back outside for the rest of the night. She just turned two, so while it seemed like a reasonable “bribe,” developmentally it was completely lost on her. She happily went over and found her baby carriage and began to push it around the living room, continuing to seal her lips every time she passed me and my fork filled with enchilada. Who lost this battle? We clearly did. Not only did she not eat any more of her dinner, but we also missed out on a lovely evening walk as a family because I insisted that we teach her that we stand our ground. The lesson? Don’t create consequences for your children that ultimately punish you as the parent.
Don’t buy all the fancy stuff. It really is true what they say. You buy the fancy new toy and all the kid wants to do is play with the box. We’ve had to learn this the hard way and it’s something I have to continue to remind myself of as Ellie develops into each new stage. Advertisers and retailers are good at what they do. It’s easy to convince yourself that your child needs variety and stimulation. You see pictures of beautiful playrooms on Pinterest that look like a childhood wonderland. You think your child’s life will have more value if they’re exposed to more things. The truth? My child spends most of her day with a plastic shovel digging in the flowerbed in our backyard. She learns as she digs her fingers into the earth and blows dandelion seeds into the air. Last week, she played for over an hour with a box of plastic spoons she found. I am truly beginning to see that you can awaken a child’s sense of wonder, creativity, and imagination if you give them nothing except space and freedom to explore their world.
Carve out time for self care. Before you had babies, you were a real person who had real-life hobbies and interests. You probably showered regularly and maybe even spent time with friends or stayed awake through a movie. Babies will suck every last ounce of energy and strength out of you if you allow them to, and it’s really difficult to resist their charm because they’re just so cute and helpless. But as they grow and you escape the fog of early motherhood, you may find that could actually find some time to take a yoga class or grab a drink with a friend. These things require that we ask for help though, which is not always easy to do. Repeat after me: I cannot take care of my children if I do not take care of myself. It’s easy to allow our identities as mamas consume us and become all that we are, but there’s danger in that. One day, they won’t need us in the same way that they do now and when that happens, what will be left of us? So make time for yourself. Figure out what you need to do in order to preserve the person you were before you had babies. Ask for help from your spouse or family when you need it. Exchange free babysitting with another mama so you can each carve out time for yourself. Go on dates with your husband. Use the time after the kids go to bed to do something for yourself that does not include cleaning or packing lunches. In the end, it will make you a better mama.
Life After Birth 