Why I’m Thankful for Today

Last night I told Ellie to sit down in the bathtub 87 times. On the 88th, I threw in the towel and decided to just let her do it. She giggled with glee at having won the fight…until she slipped on a foam letter “g” and wiped out. Struggling to get her tiny, slippery, wailing body out of the tub, I noticed the bruise already beginning to form on her forehead. Is it bedtime yet? thought my tired mind. Most days, I find myself wishing at least once that whatever phase we are in would pass quickly. I pray for the day she’ll finally get all the yogurt into her mouth or sit still long enough to listen to a whole story during story time.

Last week, I spoke to a dear friend who had a baby three weeks ago. We laughed and cried over the stresses of new parenting. She told me how she hasn’t slept more than a 2 hour stretch since her little one was born and called to hear another mama tell her that she wasn’t going crazy and that it does get better. Some days, I long for the infant days when she’d snooze on my chest while I cooked dinner or when I could carry on a conversation with a friend while she nursed quietly for an hour. But conversations like this one take me back to the challenges that seem to come inherently with infants. The hours spent walking in circles around the block just to get her to sleep. The constant questioning if she was getting enough to eat. The overwhelming worry when she would sleep for longer than a couple of hours. Suddenly, I’m thankful again for my toddler.

There are days when Ellie and I go to the park and I watch jealously as moms sit on benches together and have adult conversations while their preschool age children run and play. Ellie still eats the sand out of the sandbox and gets stuck in the tunnels because she can climb up stairs, but not down. I long for the day when she’ll be able to walk with confidence and we can play in the fountain on hot days. I dream of family vacations spent lounging by the pool while she swims and plays on her own. Heck, I’d settle for a shower where I don’t have to check to make sure she’s not playing in the toilet again.

The truth is that toddlers are exhausting. It’s sometimes difficult to appreciate the season you’re in while you’re in it. It’s human nature to want what we don’t have. I have had the privilege of staying home full time with Ellie for the past two months. On the days I hear her talking on the monitor before Brian’s alarm goes off or she doesn’t want HER lunch, she wants MINE, I long for the days when I was working and I got to eat lunch everyday with adults and without tiny fingers grabbing for it. But then we go to the park and she goes down the slide by herself for the first time and the elation that erupts from her tiny face as I catch her at the bottom makes me want to explode with joy. I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to witness this tiny life. This is a season and it’s messy and hard and frustrating, but it’s also beautiful and joyful and offers an opportunity to discover the world again through new eyes.

It’s not perfect, but I’m thankful for the ground I’m standing on today.

Why I Choose to Nurse On

“How long are you going to breastfeed?” With the exception of the ‘when are you going to have another baby,’ this seems to be everyone’s favorite question these days. It seems that society has placed a magical number on the amount of time that is socially acceptable to breastfeed before it crosses into the realm of either weird, gross, or not worth it. Since we breached that magical number a couple of months ago, people’s curiosity seems to have piqued as to how long I intend to continue. I never mind when people ask this question, especially as it provides me with an opportunity to explain to others why I am choosing to nurse on and possibly the opportunity to take away a little of the stigma associated with extended breastfeeding.

Before I go any further, I also want to point out that breastfeeding is not the only way to nourish and care for your child. I have so many friends who have struggled and stressed over it. For some, baby wouldn’t latch correctly and it was painful, others did not produce enough to nourish baby, or they had chronic breast infections. There are so many valid reasons why a mama would choose another option. Being a mama is tough stuff, and mama guilt is a real thing, especially when it comes to feeding. I have been very fortunate that not only has breastfeeding been simple for us, but my schedule also allows for it. As in all things, just because this is what’s working for me and my family does not mean that it is what’s best for someone else. Above all, I am team love and care for your child the best way you know how and support others who are doing the same.

That being said, the short answer to how long I intend to breastfeed? I don’t really know. The answer I usually give to people is, “When either Ellie or I feel ready to be done.” That day has not come and I don’t see it coming anytime soon. I still nurse her 3-4 times a day, once in the morning. once before bed, and then she will often “graze” throughout the afternoon. I will also still nurse her if she wakes up in the middle of the night {which is a rarity these days}. Breastfeeding looks a lot different now than it did months ago. Gone are the days of timing between feedings. These days, it’s a lot more of her coming over to me, giving my shirt a tug, latching on for a few minutes, and then going back to whatever it was she was doing. It works for us.

Before Ellie, I can remember saying things like, “If your child can ask for it, it’s time to stop breastfeeding.” Ellie may not be able to ask verbally, but she certainly communicates when she would like to nurse, and it’s fabulous. I love that I can be her soft place to land when she’s tired or hurting or just needs a little mama time, and as she grows more and more independent and needs me less and less, I love that her tiny little body still wraps around mine for a few minutes everyday. There’s lots of reasons why I choose to nurse on. Here are a few.

I nurse on because there’s no greater reward for getting out of bed than those big blue eyes looking up at me.

I nurse on because it reminds me how important it is to slow down sometimes and just be.

I nurse on because Ellie has only been sick twice in fourteen months.

I nurse on because in the middle of the night, it’s the easiest and fastest way to calm her and get her back to sleep. And I love sleep.

I nurse on because my body is incredible.

I nurse on because it gives me 15 quiet minutes with her every morning before we start our busy day.

I nurse on because I don’t have to remember to pack bottles when we go places. I just have to pack myself!

I nurse on because it gives me a few quiet moments before bed to pray over my little girl.

I nurse on because I don’t have to worry when she rejects the kale casserole and eats nothing but goldfish and Cheerios all day.

I nurse on because in a world where so little is controllable, this is one way I can protect my little girl.

I nurse on because it’s a privilege. I nurse in honor of my friends who have struggled. I nurse in honor of my friends who have lost.

I nurse on.