Why Dads Matter {and how to make them feel like they do}

I’m going to be upfront and honest with you {and if you know my husband, you know he will hate what I’m about to say, but}….Ellie has the best daddy ever. As most women do, I used to imagine what Brian would be like when a little one finally came along, and I always knew he would be a great dad, but I had no idea how much more I could love that man until Ellie came into our world. I know our situation is ideal. I know not everyone’s family looks like ours or functions like ours. I absolutely recognize how blessed I am and do not take lightly that other mamas out there may not have the same amount of spouse support. That being said, I can only speak from my own experience. Co-parenting is our ideal, but it does not come without its daily challenges. Before we had Ellie, I thought a lot about the kind of mama I wanted to be. What I did not reflect on was the impact this tiny human might have on me as a wife. 10 months later, I’m certainly no expert, but I have learned a lot. Here’s what I know to be true.

Babies come into this world knowing one person. Do not take this lightly. For nine months she was tucked safely inside of you and in an instant, her world got really, really big and loud and bright. Her entire existence up to this point has revolved around the safety and security that you as a mom provide for her and that doesn’t change when she becomes earthside. It’s a critical moment. If your husband is anything like mine, he wants to jump in head first. Here’s the problem. He doesn’t have milk or the right smell or the voice she’s listened to for the last 9 months. I don’t know why, but I really didn’t see this one coming. As a new mama with postpartum hormones raging through her body, it’s truly difficult to resist the urge to just grab her and calm her yourself. With the exception of needing to nurse, allowing daddy to calm her is not only important, it’s forming a vital relationship. Here’s a few strategies that worked for us in the early days:

• After the nursing relationship is formed and is working like clockwork, consider beginning to pump and allowing dad to give baby bottles. If you’re supplementing with formula or using formula exclusively, this can begin even sooner. If the transition from boob to bottle isn’t seamless, don’t give up. Baby will get it and then she will start to associate daddy with food also.
• Encourage your husband to do skin to skin with baby in the early days. She’ll begin to learn his smell and his feel. If he doesn’t like that idea, have him wear her in a wrap or carrier or take naps on his chest.
• Baby knows your smell. Having dad drape one of your shirts on him might help to calm her.
• Encourage dad to take baby out on his own. This not only gives you an hour to take a nap or a shower, it also gives him a little one-on-one time. Set him up for success though! Send him with food!
• Take turns putting baby to bed from the very beginning. Don’t let her get used to routines with just one parent.

Remember that you’re more than just a mama. Before she came into your world, you were a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter. You don’t stop being all of those things when you become a mama, although expect that some of those relationships might change a little, especially at first. It’s easy to become completely consumed with baby, especially in the first few weeks when it may feel like you’re doing your best just to keep you and your child alive. Once the dust settles, you’re going to have to navigate your new roles as both mama and dad and as husband and wife. Here’s my thoughts:

• Take a shower. Put real pants on. Put makeup on. It might seem foolish if the only people who are going to see you today are your husband and your baby, but taking the time to make yourself look good will change your attitude, your energy, and even your demeanor. Plus it sends a clear message. I still care. I’m still here. This is for you.
• Go on dates, and make it a priority. It might not happen once a week or even once a month, but make a point to spend time together outside of the house and without the baby. Find someone you trust to stay with the baby the first few times so you’re not panicked while you’re out. And make it a rule that no one talks about the baby while you’re out. Babysitters can be expensive, but you know what’s even more expensive? Lawyers.
• Be open and honest about how you’re feeling when it comes to sex. 6 weeks is an average. It’s not a magic number. You might feel great sooner than that. Or you might need more time. Be patient and forgiving with your body – it just did an incredible thing! Give it some credit. And be honest with your spouse about how you’re feeling. Fear and anxiety are real and they can really take a toll.
• The first few weeks are straight survival mode. Everyone is doing the best they can to eat, sleep, and survive. But things get easier. Babies start to sleep through the night. Feedings go from 10 times a day to 5. Life goes back to normal. Once it does, establish a routine that still allows you and your partner to be normal and to do the things you loved before baby. For my husband, that’s working on his cars. For me, that’s reading a book, taking a bath, or spending time with friends. We take turns making sure the other has time to still do those things. It makes life feel balanced.
• Take care of yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I’m just going to leave that there.

Make time for each other. For us, that means keeping Ellie on a schedule as much as possible and putting her to bed by 8:00 so that we have a couple of hours of adult time. As much as we cherish every moment with our baby, we really cherish those couple of hours. Usually, it’s spent curled up on the couch watching a show together. As mundane as it might sound, it’s our thing. We don’t spend that time answering work emails or catching up on Facebook. We just spend time together. It’s not a perfect system, but it works for us. Figure out what works for you and make it a priority.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that there’s not one right way to parent. As the mama, baby has probably learned to adapt and love the way that you do things from the very beginning and it can be difficult not to want to grab her from dad when he’s struggling to get her calm or happy. Repeat after me: My way is not the only way. My way is not necessarily the best way. This is important for both of them…..then walk away. I’m serious. If we’re being honest, this is the place where I struggle the most. Brian loves antique books and has loaded her book shelf with classics he’s found at garage sales and trade shows. I cannot tell you how many times I have replaced those germ-filled books with board books that she can chew on and how many times he’s put them right back. In the beginning, I would tell him how to hold her so she would stop crying. I have scolded him for giving her a taste of Nutella off of his finger. I used to grip the sides of the couch listening to her cry as he put her to bed. I’m not proud. Postpartum anxiety is real and it often rears it’s ugly head at the ones we love the most. I’m a work in progress, but I can tell you that I’m working really hard to make myself aware and to let it go wherever possible.

Remember those vows you took? For better or for worse? Having a baby is both of those things all mixed into one crying, sleeping, pooping package. You’ll see sides of your spouse you’ve never seen before. It doesn’t matter how many books you read or how many blogs you follow or how long you babysat as a teenager. No one knows how to be a parent until they are a parent. Be open to the change. Lean on your spouse. Be thankful for your blessings. Take it a day at a time. Ask for help. Give yourself and your spouse grace. And remember, daddies matter.