I’m just going to come out and say it. The thing you’re not supposed to say when you’re a mama. I don’t love the infant stage. Yes, the tiny little outfits are adorable, but what’s not adorable? Trying to get them off of their tiny, folded bodies while not smearing poop and barf all over your baby, yourself or your couch. Yes, there’s not much that beats the tiny infant snuggles. Except maybe your bed. Infants seem to sleep around the clock and yet somehow, you haven’t managed to sleep more than 3 hours consecutively in 6 solid weeks. Tired is an understatement. Your coffee needs coffee. This morning, after 3 solid hours of you and your husband taking turns trying to coax, rock and feed him back to sleep, you laid your weary head on the pillow, closed your eyes, and heard your two year old yell the one word over the baby monitor that will rip any sane parent back out of the bed. Potty. And round and round we go.
Don’t get me wrong. I adore my children and the privilege of being a mama is not lost on me. I know that while these days seem so long, the years will fly and one day I’ll be yearning for this season, wondering if we made the right decision stopping at two, and wondering just how complicated it is to reverse a vasectomy. But not today.
Ya’ll, this season is hard.
In the months, weeks and days leading up to Owen’s birth, people asked me often if I was ready for two. Sure I am, I thought smugly, we’re already in the thick of child raising, an infant isn’t going to change that much. Sure, the sleepless nights will be an adjustment, but I’m off work for a few months, so it really shouldn’t be that bad. Plus, infants sleep around the clock, so I’ll just nap while both of them are napping….
Owen has been alive approximately 45 days. I’ve napped exactly 3 times.
Six weeks later and I feel like I’m slowly beginning to crawl out of the 4th trimester fog. I’m starting to wear real pants again and I’ve even managed to go to the grocery store a couple of times unscathed. Going from the parent of one to the parent of two has been more of an adjustment than I thought it would be, but we are learning and adjusting. There are moments every day where I feel like I’m totally rocking this mama of two gig. Owen is snoring in the swing, Ellie is coloring contentedly, and I’m sneaking a quiet cup of coffee on the couch. And then there are moments where I think I might actually lose my mind. While trying to console a screaming Owen, Ellie comes walking into the living room without pants on to let me know that she pooped. It takes me a second to realize that for the last 10 minutes, my two year old has been unaccounted for. Turns out she was cleaning poop out of her potty and putting it in the big potty by herself. With her hand. And then cleaned it up with the hand towel. Don’t let the real pants or the makeup fool you – we don’t have it all put together.
Parenting, I’ve learned, is the most humbling of life experiences. Most days, it brings me to my knees asking God for patience and grace. If the last 2 1/2 years {and even more so, the last 6 weeks} have taught me anything, it’s that taking care of yourself is one of the most important aspects of being a good mama. It’s also often the toughest. When the baby needs fed and the toddler is melting down in the floor and everything you own smells like spit up, and there’s nothing in the refrigerator, it can be be difficult to stop and do what’s best for you. Self-care may look different in every season of life, but it’s important to recognize its importance and incorporate it into your daily routine. Here’s a few ways I’ve learned to incorporate it into my life as a mama of young children:
- Capitalize on quiet time. Whether you’re a mama of one or a mama of multiples, hopefully every day brings slivers of time when everyone’s needs are met and you can do something for yourself. In these moments, think about what would bring you the most calm and do it without feeling guilty. Society loves to infiltrate mamas with this sense that they must be productive and engaged all day every day. The truth is that your family will reap the benefits of you taking a moment for yourself to rest or recharge. This may look different day to day. Some days, I jump at the chance to lay on the couch and binge watch This is Us or close my eyes. Other days, the opportunity to sweep the floor without a toddler’s “help” or organize the craft drawer brings me calm. Whatever it is that will make you feel human again, even for a minute, is worth it. Don’t neglect it and don’t feel guilty. They’ll wake up and need you again soon.
- Recognize that doing what’s best for you may be what’s best for your children in the long run. For us lately that has been incorporating a bottle or two of formula into Owen’s daily routine. With Ellie, I was steadfast that her lips would never touch formula. While I achieved my goal, I drove myself insane in the process. I was anxious every day about supply. Unable to share the burden of late night feedings with my husband, I lost sleep for months, unable to ask for help. While I still value the nursing relationship with Owen, I’m also finding it impossible to balance nursing for hours on end and be a mama to Ellie and a wife and a human. I cried alligator tears the first time Brian gave Owen a formula bottle, but I have to say, now that we are weeks into it, it’s become a huge relief. Sometimes we have to shift our values and expectations in order to maintain sanity. What could you do or change that would bring you more calm and balance?
- Ask for help. I’m not great at this. I don’t like to inconvenience other people and I like to believe, as most mamas do, that I’m super woman. But sometimes it gets to be too much and you just need a break. What I’m learning is that by asking for help, you’re not only doing what’s best for you and your babies, but you’re also opening the door to allow others to feel comfortable asking you for help also. It becomes a great way to build community. It’s also good for your children to sometimes be in the care of others. It helps them to learn that other adults have authority and how to play with others.
- Turn on the T.V. and stop feeling guilty about it. Ellie has watched more television in the last 6 weeks than she’s ever watched in her life. This period is an adjustment. I don’t have the time or energy to play and interact with her like I did before Owen and her emotions are a loose canon as she adjusts to her new reality. It’s not ideal, but sometimes I just don’t have the energy for it all and I know that an episode of Daniel Tiger will buy me some time to feed Owen in peace. It’s just a reality of this season and I’ve decided not to feel guilty about it.
- Adjust your definition of self-care. It may not look like yoga classes or dinner out alone with friends for a little while. Those things will return as babies grow and life becomes more manageable. For now, it may just be going to the bathroom alone with the door closed or taking a second to put some mascara on. Exercise might be taking the stroller out instead of going to the gym. It won’t last forever, but for now, self care might look different than it has in the past. It’s important to recognize small opportunities every day to do something for yourself.
- Don’t feel like you have to be “on” all the time. I feel guilty every time I lay Owen down in the swing instead of rocking him for hours like I did Ellie or every time I have to tell Ellie that she’s going to have to wait and I’ll play with her later. I want to be a hands-on mama. I want to meet all of my children’s needs all of the time. But having two has made me realize how unrealistic that is. And not only unrealistic, but also detrimental to both their well-being and my own. Ellie is learning patience. Owen is learning self-soothing. I’m learning to forgive myself and accept that I’m doing the best I can and that my children will be okay in the end.
- Re-evaluate your life balance. Whether you work or stay home, finding a good balance between time with your children and time away from your children is a huge challenge and what’s best for everyone can change from season to season. I work three days a week. It’s taken some time to figure it out, but this seems to be the perfect balance for me and my family between “Mama loves make believe picnics and park time” but also “Mama needs to have a conversation with someone older than two.” No choice is easy – it always requires sacrifice. Just find what works for you and if what you’re doing isn’t working, re-evaluate.
- Pray. There are moments everyday that bring me to my knees, asking God for more patience or to help me to respond better next time. I would never pretend that I have all the answers. I do know that God chose me to be the mama for these sweet babes and that he’s always there to provide calm and wisdom. I just have to remember to ask.
In the end, it’s about giving yourself some grace and remembering that this is a season and it too will pass. Never again will tiny humans be so dependent on your time, energy and body. And so it’s really okay if your toddler is watching Finding Dory for the third time this week and eating the popcorn you made yesterday. It’s also okay if that popcorn is the closest thing she’s going to get to a vegetable today. She’s not going to die and neither is the baby if he cries for a minute while you take a shower. It’s really okay if you feel like the worst parent ever for a while and yet you just don’t have the energy to care. They’ll survive and you will too.
Take care of yourself mama. They need you to.
Life After Birth 