I nursed Ellie for 22 months. That was more my choice than hers – I truly loved breastfeeding her everyday and never felt ready to give up those quiet moments together first thing in the morning and before putting her to bed. I’m not going to pretend that all 22 months were easy – nursing in the early days is incredibly difficult whether your baby struggles or doesn’t – but by the time she was about 6 months, we really hit our stride and nursing was easy. When you nurse a child for almost 2 years, you rightfully believe that you’ve mastered the skill, and so when Owen came along, I thought nursing would be a breeze. I was wrong.
I’ve had numerous friends who have struggled with nursing because of tongue and/or lip ties. “Tongue tied” is an expression we use often in our culture, but before I had babies, I never knew that it was a real thing. For those who may be unfamiliar, a tongue or lip tie is when the frenulum (the piece of tissue that connects your lips to your gums and your tongue to the bottom of your mouth) is too long and/or thick. It restricts a baby’s mouth and makes it so that they are unable to freely use their tongue or lips to latch correctly. Babies with this condition often work very hard to nurse and have a difficult time getting the quantity that they need. The condition is often overlooked or not diagnosed as many doctors and lactation consultants do not check for it as a standard of care. Because I’ve had friends whose babies have struggled with it, I knew to ask about it while we were at the hospital, so when the lactation consultant came in for her regular check, I asked her to please look at Owen’s mouth. The response I received was very odd – she said that there was both a tongue and lip tie, but she did not think that either were severe enough to cause any issues and did not need to be resolved. Nursing Owen in the early days after he was born was a bit of a struggle. It was more painful than I remembered with Ellie, but I chocked that up to him still learning how to latch correctly and engorgement. When I was still shrieking in pain two or three weeks in, I decided it was time for a second opinion. We took Owen to a pediatric dentist for a consultation and he was diagnosed with both a tongue and a lip tie. The dentist corrected it that day using a laser. There is NOTHING fun about holding your 4 week old baby down while a doctor lasers his lip and tongue, but the entire procedure lasted less than 2 minutes and he was sound asleep in my arms minutes later. It was much more traumatic for mama than it was for sweet little Owen. We took him home with instructions to do some stretching exercises and work with a lactation consultant to “re-teach” him how to latch. I nursed him when we got home and noticed a difference almost immediately. It seemed we had solved all of our problems.
One of the side effects of a tongue and/or lip tie can be excessive spitting up. Babies who have this condition often suck in a lot of air when they are trying so hard to nurse causing excess gas and spitting up. Owen spit up a lot from the beginning, but the doctor told us not to worry about it unless he was clearly in pain or not gaining weight. Since neither was true, we just thought we had a laundry problem. For good measure, I cut out major dairy and we started having him sit up for a while after every feeding. Nothing seemed to be working. The pediatric dentist who performed his tongue and lip tie reversal told us that the spitting up would likely stop once he learned to nurse correctly. I was so hopeful that would be true. The first few weeks and months of postpartum are difficult enough – no one wants to walk around with baby vomit in their hair. Unfortunately, while the tongue and lip tie correction did resolve the pain I was having while nursing and gave him the ability to get a full meal much more efficiently, it didn’t cut out the spitting up. Because of all the pain I had nursing early on, I had started pumping a lot more and we started giving him bottles a lot more regularly. While the bottles didn’t eliminate the spitting up, we did notice that it happened a lot more frequently and with a lot more volume when I nursed. So we did some research, bought premie size bottle nipples, thickened formula, and breast milk thickener and started doing some experimenting. While it wasn’t the magical, dreamy nursing relationship that I hoped for, the fact that he was eating more efficiently and keeping it down became more important than how he was getting the food.
But it’s not really that simple. The notion of “fed is best” is a lot easier to believe and support when you’re talking about other people’s kids and other people’s choices. While I can rationalize and understand that the decision to almost exclusively bottle feed Owen came from a place of wanting what’s best and healthiest for baby and mama, it often feels like a contradiction. If you know me or have read anything I’ve written before, you know that nursing is a significant part of my mama identity and has been an important part of doing what’s healthiest for myself and my little ones, and so giving that up in the name of health and well-being was not a simple decision. From the discovery of the tongue and lip tie to the excessive reflux to the bonding relationship I’ve built with a torturous machine instead of my infant, these past four months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I have moments where I feel inadequate. I have moments where I feel angry at God. I have moments where I feel relieved when at 3 a.m. I can turn to my husband and say, “your turn.” I have moments where I feel like throwing in the towel and just formula feeding. But then our entire house comes down with the stomach flu and by some miraculous force of nature, Owen is the only one who is spared and I remember why I continue to fight and continue to pump every four hours, even in the middle of the night, even when I’m tired and every muscle in my body hurts and the last thing I want to do is hook myself up to a machine for the sixth time that day. I’m learning that it’s okay to feel all of these things. I’m also learning that emotions don’t always make sense and that it’s okay if sometimes I feel both relieved and disappointed all at the same time. Through it all, I know that I’m doing what I need to do in order to take care of myself and my baby.
Most babies outgrow their reflux by the time they are a year old and for most, symptoms are often markedly better after about 4 or 5 months. At four months, Owen still spits up, but not nearly as much or as often as he used to. I’m hopeful that as he continues to grow, I can begin nursing him more and more. I’m hopeful that 3 a.m. rendezvous may begin to be met with precious snuggles instead of pumping. I’m hopeful that over time my heart will heal. I’m hopeful that Owen and I can have the same long-term nursing relationship that Ellie and I shared.
I’m hopeful.
Life After Birth 