Right after Owen was born, so many people asked me how much time I was going to be able to stay home before I had to go back to work. I took 9 weeks, which is about the same amount of time I took with Ellie. Most people followed my response with some level of sympathy saying that they were sorry that I couldn’t take more time and that going back to work and leaving my babies was probably going to be so difficult. I don’t want to sound hard or cold when I say this, but after 9 weeks at home, I was counting down the days until I could put on my real pants and makeup and go back to work. Back into the land of adult conversation, where I can finish a cup of coffee without having to reheat it 12 times, and where no one touches me for 8 consecutive hours. And so maternity leave, though it was a beautiful time to get to know Owen and adjust to my new life as a mama of two, was also a confirmation of what I already know to be true: I’m not cut out to be a full-time stay at home mama. Our society loves to glorify the “Stay at Home Mom” as an easy job. You get to sleep in, stay in your pajamas, play at the park all day, and binge watch T.V. while the kids are sleeping, right? Ya’ll, I’m here to tell you, there is nothing easy about being a stay at home mom. Now that there’s two of them, I like to joke that we can’t be anywhere before 10:00. The reality is that between trying to argue with a 2 year old about brushing her teeth or that she can’t wear her pajamas to the grocery store while trying to nurse a newborn and perfectly time our “adventure” before he wakes up and needs to eat again, all while throwing some dry shampoo in my hair and get myself fed and making sure the diaper bag is packed with snacks, diapers, sippy cups, and anything else we might need in the hour we’re gone is seriously no simple task. After 9 weeks at home, going back to work actually felt like a break, a time to rest and recharge from the much more exhausting task of parenting full time.
The journey to learning what works well for our family and gives me the balance that I need in my life has not been without challenges or detours. It is paved with roadblocks that seem to constantly cause us to go back to the drawing board, re-evaluate our decisions, and try to figure out what’s best for our family moving forward. We have recently encountered a pretty large roadblock – one that we saw coming as we welcomed a second child into our family, and yet one that’s causing me to question once again all the things I know to be true about why I choose to work outside of the home.
The cost of childcare.
We’ve been incredibly blessed for the past couple of years to leave Ellie in the care of a close friend who stays home with her children. It’s the perfect scenario and I’ve always felt like it’s been a way for God to communicate that he supports my decision to work part-time. Now that we have two babies, one of which is almost ready to start preschool, we’ve reached a new juncture and are navigating the next chapter of childcare for our babies. Ideally, we’re looking for a place where we can drop them both off, him for daycare and her for preschool. We’ve found some great options, but have reached a point where the cost of childcare is almost exactly, if not more than the amount that I bring in every month.
And so I’ve been forced to ask myself the question every mama asks herself when trying to decide if she should work or stay home: Is it worth it?
The answer to that question is not a simple yes or no; there’s so much to consider. My husband supports me either way, but has expressed that it seems like an awful lot of trouble for not much monetary gain. And he’s right. I know he’s right. And yet, there’s so much more value to my life as a professional than just my paycheck. I could stay home with my kids and have a good life. I know that I would be okay. And yet, I also know that a huge part of my identity and happiness would be lost. There are days where I feel angry or guilty that I don’t find fulfillment in staying home with my kids full time. I recently read a book about how important a mama’s presence is in her children’s lives in the first three years. I cried through most of the first half until I realized it was doing more harm than good for me to read any more. And yet when I stop and really think about it, I know there are so many aspects of my working that positively impact my children. They are learning to exist apart from me, which is an important reality of life. They are learning that other adults have authority and how to be flexible and respectful. They are learning how to play with other children who are not their siblings. And they are learning that people – regardless of gender – can be anything they want if they work hard and follow their heart. This is something I not only want to model for my daughter, but also my son who will one day be a husband.
There are aspects of my working, apart from earning money, that positively impact me too. I’m a better wife. When I’m home all day, I count down the seconds until my husband walks in the door and then I find myself resenting him if he needs to work on a project or can’t help me with the kids immediately. I’m also a better mama. I love everyday with my children, but I’m also human and my patience only goes so far. I find that when I spend too many consecutive days with them without a break, I get easily overwhelmed and I’m not at my best. Two days to spend with my children during the work week is perfect. We go to story time. We paint pictures. We get things done around the house. We play outside. And then when mama’s at her wit’s end, it’s time to go back to work for a day or two. And work makes me a better “me.” A huge part of who I am is mama – it’s something I take a lot of pride in, but it’s not all of who I am. My role as a mama has become a big part of so many of my relationships also – I’m still a sister, but as two mamas, most of what we talk about is our children. I’m still a friend, but as many of my friends start families of their own, girl’s nights have become gab sessions about sleepless nights and spit up solutions. I’m still a wife, but that role is so intertwined with also being a mama that sometimes I’m not sure where one ends and the other begins. But at work, I get to be just Meghan. Sure, I talk to my co-workers and students about my children, but most of my day revolves around helping students schedule classes, talking about academic success, and thinking critically. To give it up would feel like I’m extinguishing an important part of who I am.
My other fear in all of this is that choosing to take a little time off of work to raise my family might easily turn into years and years away from work and away from my field, losing relevance and making it difficult to get my foot back in the door. I spent five years in college followed by two years of graduate school and using the knowledge and skills I learned in those years is important to me. Childcare isn’t going to get easier as they get older. Schools don’t start at 7 and end at 5. And as they get older, they will start getting involved in extracurriculars, all of which will require transportation and careful planning. I start to imagine that “two years off” might easily turn into 10.
The decision to work or to stay home is difficult no matter what the situation. Whether a woman has a choice or does not, it always requires a certain level of sacrifice. I have mad respect for women who choose to work full-time, for women who stay home with their children, and for women who fall somewhere in between. It’s hard work. Every single day is a struggle. Every single day brings questioning and self doubt.
I am still running the numbers, calling preschools, and weighing pros and cons in my head, but I think deep down, I know that I’ll be happiest and most fulfilled if I can continue to be both a mama and a professional. To be a good mama and a decent human, I need balance and self care and for me, working is a way for me to incorporate both into my daily life. In the past when we had a change in our childcare situation, I’ve always worried and stressed, overcome with the idea that I wouldn’t find something in time or that it would cost too much or that I’d make the wrong decision. And every time, God has provided exactly what we needed at the time that we needed it. This time around, while I’m still being intentional on my end, placing the kids on wait lists and asking friends for suggestions, I’m placing this into God’s hands. If He opens doors for childcare that will allow me to continue working, I will take that as a message that He is blessing that decision and will take care of me and my babies. Likewise, if childcare does not work out, I’ll trust that was part of God’s plan and know that He will take care of my spirit as I begin a new chapter.
I’m keeping my heart open knowing that we will be taken care of either way.
Life After Birth 