We all know a baby changes everything. But what about when a friend is the one having the baby and not you? My friends and I really lived up our college years and early 20’s. We stayed out late. We slept in. We travelled the world. We fell in love, bought bridesmaid dresses, threw lingerie showers, and swore life would never get in the way of our friendships. We did all the things you’re supposed to do before you have a baby.
And then in 2010, it happened. The first of my close friend group had a baby. How had we made it to this junction in our lives? I remember feeling so excited when I got the phone call at 3 a.m. that she was in labor and then pictures hours later of this perfect little human. Then I panicked. I didn’t call for nearly a week. I was terrified that if I called at the wrong time, I might wake up my friend or worse, wake up the baby. I wanted to go and meet her new little bundle, but I didn’t know how that worked. I certainly didn’t want to impose. In my mind, it was ground zero at their house and as a first responder, I was frozen without a clue of how I could help.
Six years and a baby of my own later, I now see how ridiculous this all was. Having a baby is a big event, but it doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t want or need you. Since hitting the big 3-0, it seems that someone in our friend group is always either expecting or welcoming a new bundle, and in the past six years, I’ve gone from being clueless about how to respond to a bit of an expert. Here’s my tips on what to do when someone you know has a baby:
If the new mama or daddy is close relation or your best friend:
1. Ask what role they’d like to play on the big day. Everyone is a little different when it comes to the actual birth and who they want to be there. If you’re not asked to be present that should never be interpreted as an indication of your worth, but rather a reflection of preference. There are lots of reasons a person may want or not want you to be present. Don’t pressure, but feel free to ask about their birth plan and where they’d like you to be.
2. If you’d like to visit the new family at the hospital, text them or call someone whom you know is there. Calling a new mama’s phone is often a dead end. Let them tell you a good time to visit. Waiting to be released from the hospital is often a long and boring process, so don’t be afraid to visit. It’s often welcome and appreciated. Ask what you can bring (change of clothes, toiletries that may have been forgotten, food, etc.). When you get there, hug the mama’s neck, but not chest (ouch!) and don’t overstay your welcome.
If the new mama or daddy is a good friend:
3. When the family gets home from the hospital, give them a day or two to get settled and then bring food. Baby clothes are great, diapers rock too, but home cooked food is king. Not having to think about what you’re going to make for dinner for the first couple of weeks postpartum is the best gift a friend could give.
Insider Tip: When bringing food, remember that your friend just pushed a bowling ball out of a hole the size of a pen. I only say that because her worst fear during those first couple of weeks home is probably going to the bathroom. If she’s breastfeeding, she may also be very conscious about common baby sensitivities such as dairy, caffeine, and spice. Think about these factors when you decide what food to bring. Your grandma’s recipe for stuffed shells with 16 different kinds of cheese is probably bomb, but might not be a good choice three days postpartum…
4. Freezer stocking is also an awesome way to show a new family you care. Pop some easy, go-to freezer meals in their freezer that they can pull out when the meal train stops and they’re still in survival mode.
5. Don’t get dolled up before you go over. Pull your hair up, throw on a pair of yoga pants and switch your contacts for your glasses. It will make the mama who maybe hasn’t showered for a couple of days feel a little more at ease.
6. Ask how you can help and not in a “I’m here if you need me” sort of way, but in a direct way. “Can I cut your grass while I’m here?” “Want me to hold the baby while you go take a quick shower?” “How about we pick a day next week when I’ll take your older child for a few hours?” New parents will rarely ask for help, but will often take it when it’s offered directly.
7. Give them a little space for a while. Check in through texts or quick phone calls, but understand that you may not see them much for a few weeks and they may not text you back in the same hour (or day). Babies are a huge adjustment. Give them some time to figure it out.
8. If you’re also a mama, ask specific questions about things you might be able to help with. “How is breastfeeding going?” “Have you and your husband tried having sex again yet?” “How do you feel about going back to work?” She might not want to talk about it…..OR she might be sitting at home wishing to God someone would ask. New mamas wonder a lot if they’re doing things right. You may not have any answers, but you might be able to make her feel less alone and sometimes that’s enough.
9. Continue to invite and include the new family. Don’t make them feel like pariahs just because they had a new baby. Going to a festival? Invite them. Having a party? Invite them. They might say no. Or they might be sitting at home waiting for an excuse to put on real pants and rejoin society. Let them know that the baby is welcome too.
And if the new mama is not a close friend, but a co-worker or distant relative:
10. Mail a card. Write on their Facebook wall. Send a text. Share your HBO Go password with her so she can binge watch while nursing. Let the new family know you’re thinking about them and that you hope things are going well. It doesn’t need to be complicated, but something simple can go a long way.
Life After Birth 